


Where Frank Got The Spots

by rum_ham



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 06:06:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7348135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rum_ham/pseuds/rum_ham
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dennis:  All of us have become so goddamn weird.</p><p>Frank:  I think we’re just hitting our stride.</p><p>Dennis:  Oh you think we’re hitting our stride, Frank?</p><p>Frank:  Yeah!</p><p>Dennis:  Really? ‘cause Dee’s in a goddamn costume every other day!  As a matter of fact, we all are.  I think we have more costumes in the bar than we do kegs.  I mean, what if I said  I wanted to become a man cheetah, right now.  What would you do?</p><p>Frank:  I’d go get the spots.</p><p>Dennis:  He’s got spots!  Why do you have spots?</p><p>Prequel to how Frank got the man cheetah costume.  Much more sentimental than expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Frank Got The Spots

**Author's Note:**

> i posted this on my blog boundless-rage but i just got an ao3 account so i thought i'd put it here too

Charlie finally was able to talk Frank into seeing a Doctor. He was growing to be concerned about not just his mental but his physical health as well. It took him a while to convince him, but after weighing the pros and cons, Frank decided that, since he had health insurance he could at least walk out of there will some free drugs. Last time he went he got a sweet hospital gown that really let his ass breathe. 

The car ride home was unbearable and silent. The results Frank got were, to say the least, not good. Apparently a life time of drugs and alcohol has severe effects on the brain and body. The car was silent besides Frank’s occasional grunts and the sound of stolen pills rattling in his pockets. 

Frank couldn’t stop thinking about the nerve of those goddamn medicine men trying to tell him how to eat his food and live his life. He always hated being told what to do. This was why he enjoyed living on the fringe of society, where he can be completely free. Frank felt that if he’s not being told what to do then he has nothing to worry about. He can relax and live life how he chooses.

He’s hated being controlled since childhood. First being put in that looney bin, where they controlled his every move, then the neighborhood bullies. Even through his life as a young adult he was bossed around by his brother. He absolutely despised it and decided to take back his life from the grasps of his brother or whoever tried to control him. Having no control of himself led him to believe that the only true way to take it back, was to take control of others, so he became a powerful business man and started his own company. He built it from the ground up; it was a major success. It took him a while to realize that with real power comes real responsibility. Now he not only had to look after himself, but an entire industry as well. He also had to pay and care for his whoOre wife and two kids. Living this normal and stable life made him even more unhappy. He took his anger out by either secretly banging prostitutes or by poorly fathering his children, who were just another responsibility that contributed to his unhappiness.

He went from controlling everything, quickly to controlling nothing once again. His wife divorced him and he, after falling into a depression, realized that less responsibility was exactly what he wanted. He quit working and moved in with Charlie, embracing the fringe part of society that he has come to love, where not even societal pressures could affect him. Shortly after, he discovered that Dee and Dennis were not his biological children, which after a period of rage, led him to realizing that there is absolutely nothing controlling him now. Not people, not responsibilities, the only thing he had control over and that could control him was himself and that was exactly how he liked it.

Charlie interrupted his thoughts when he exclaimed “Oh shit, Frank, we forgot to ask them to do a blood test while we were there. We could’ve found out if you’re my dad or not.” 

“NO, Chawlie, I’m telling you I’m not your father. The last thing I want is another kid to look after. Now can we just go back to the bar?”

“well alright, Frank, calm down, we’re almost there.” They didn’t speak for the rest of the ride, granted it was only a few minutes till they arrived at the bar.

“Heyo! You got my keys?” asked Dennis from across the bar. 

Mac, Dee, and Dennis were sitting at the corner of the bar oddly close to each other as usual. Charlie tossed him the keys then grabbed him and Frank a beer as Frank sat down and asked “what’s the action?”

Dennis scoffed and said “oh god, you’re not trying to bring that back are you? Trust me Frank, that’s the lamest catch phrase—

“I’m tired of this. I’ll use whatever catch phrase I want. If you’re not gonna tell me what the action is, then I’ll go find some of my own” he started getting up from his stool and jumped off, since he’s never been tall enough to step off.

Charlie pleaded “come on Frank don’t go, I just cracked you open a beer,” but Frank ignored him and walked out of the bar.

He didn’t feel like dealing with any of them at this point, so he decided to go under the bridge to see if Duncan might be there. 

He felt so much better under the bridge, where he could truly embrace who he was and not have to change for anyone. As he neared the bridge he could feel the bass of loud music playing. Duncan was there. He ran over, although it looked more like a fast waddle than a run. He found Duncan and his crew partying. Now this is what he wanted

“Duncan! What’s the action? Got any blow?” he asked as he pulled the assorted pills out of his pocket, then added “ ‘cause I’ve got some medical grade shit right here.”  
“Frank! Bring it here. Of course I’ve got blow, want some?”

“you know it” Frank exclaimed as he shoved his face in the rather large pile of white powder. He lifted his head, looked at Duncan and said “let’s get weird, baby.” 

Hours passed like seconds, they went unnoticed, unseen in the darkness that was now Frank’s mind. He was living in the moment, not worrying about his future or his friends. All that mattered was escalating everything as much as possible. 

The day was gone, and the night limitless. Duncan told him there was some bitch stepping on his toes, taking some of his drug clientele and that he wanted to get him back. Frank was all over that.

“He works at the zoo a few miles from here. I say let’s go by there and give him a scare.”

“I’ve got an idea how we could make this a little more fun,” coughed out frank after taking a hit from one of Duncan’s bongs. Nothing was stopping him now. He got a chance to be the idea man for once, the gang always turned down his plans and especially when he was this high. 

“let’s hear it, Frankie”

“so first, I’ve got my gun” he said while swiftly pulling his gun out of his waistband, “how ‘bout you?”

Duncan and his friends laughed as they started pulling out heavy artillery from bags behind the DJ booth. 

“Holy shit, that’s perfect. Now phase one: we need some quality bear costumes”

“what”

“trust me trust me, I get into this kinda shit all the time.”

“alright I’m trusting you, where do we get these bear costumes then?”

“There’s a costume shop up the road. I say, we take the guns, fire into the glass windows and break in. Once we’re in, we grab all the most convincing animal costumes. After that, I’ll tell you phase two.” 

“sounds good, let’s go.” 

Frank couldn’t remember how but they arrived at the costume shop. He gave them the go ahead and they blasted through the windows. A piercing alarm went off. 

“oh shit”

“Frank, what the fuck do we do now” screamed Duncan. That was the first time Frank had seen him scared.

“Get all the costumes you can and run!” They all took as many costumes they could carry without paying attention to exactly what they were grabbing. They took some back alleys and hid while they heard the sirens blaring.

“whatever man, they’re not gonna catch us. Lucky for us Philly’s finest isn’t that fine” explained one of Duncan’s friends, “and they’re lazy as shit.” 

“True. Now frank, what’s phase two?” asked Duncan. Everyone was staring at Frank wide eyed ready to do whatever he suggested. He wasn’t at all used to this kind of pressure. He couldn’t even remember the purpose of the plan. He did what he does best and tried to bullshit his way through it.

“well, um. You see, we have to do the… uh next part of the plan… to achieve the goal of the plan. And the goal is to uh—“

“Scare the shit out of my competition at the zoo”

“Right! That’s right, so… oh yeah! Put on your animal costumes, we’re going to the zoo.”

Frank blacked out again, but when he came to, he was in the animal pit at the zoo. He looked around and realized the severity of the situation when he saw a cheetah sleeping about 15 feet away from him. He thought he was alone until he heard Duncan yell from above the pit.

“Do I start phase three now? We’re gonna get that little bitch so good, he’s on night duty right now, in his office, just where we want him.”

Frank had no idea what was happening but told him to do it, since he wanted to see what phase three was. 

Duncan was hidden behind a tree and used his sound equipment to blast animal noises. The zookeeper couldn’t hear at first, so he turned it up and woke the sleeping cheetah. Frank yelled “Hey, you gotta get me outta here. You woke up the cheetah!”

“What are you doing Frank? Climb up the rope! Come on, this is you’re plan, you should know what to do!” retorted Duncan.

“oh yeah” Frank said as he climbed up the 10 foot rope with tremendous effort. He finally remembered the plan once he noticed he was in a cheetah costume. The zookeeper heard all of the noise and came out with his gun. It took him less than a second to see that it was not dangerous zoo animals that broke out of their cages, but drug addled men dressed up as animals crawling around. Duncan ran out from behind the tree and started chuckling.

“Scared the shit out of you, didn’t I?” slurred Duncan “So don’t mess with my business again or I’ll fuck up even more shit around here.”

“What the hell is going on? Who are you?” confusedly asked the tired zookeeper, “wait, aren’t you that guy that told me that same thing earlier today after throwing your soda in the gorilla pit? Listen, man, I just sold weed to a few people around here, no big deal”

“I don’t like this guy’s attitude” proclaimed Frank. He whipped out his little gun and started firing, but missing of course, since he was both high and a terrible shot. The zookeeper also had a gun on him and started shooting back while yelling for them to leave. Frank, Duncan, and his crew all ran as fast as they could out of the zoo. 

“That was a hell of a night” laughed frank, “but I better head out”

“alright man, thanks for the help, Frank. I hope I see your little bitch ass again soon.”

Frank laughed again and yelled back “you know it” as he started walking back home. The long walk let him sober up a little bit and he saw that the sun was starting to rise. When he got home he changed out of his cheetah costume and stuffed it in one of his drawers, then realized Charlie wasn’t there. He went over to the bar and found the gang there up early for a new scheme.

“Where you been, Frank? You almost missed out on a new plan” explained Mac.

Then Dee, with a mischievous smile on her face added “yeah we’re gonna cheat millions out of some old boners.”

Charlie, quite obviously trying to avoid eye contact with Frank asked “so where were you? Hanging with Duncan and those bridge people again?

“yeah… I’ll be right back, I gotta take a wazz” replied Frank before he ran over to the bathroom to flush his shoes. He usually does this when it feels like things are moving too fast and like he has no control. It’s an anxiety thing. The high had now worn off and he started to realize what a wreck his plan was and that he really shouldn’t be the idea guy. He did best as a financier. He could now see that he really needed the gang. They weren’t there to control him. They are a family, not a responsibility and he could really see that now. He started to feel better so he went back out to the bar, where Charlie was waiting for him with two beers in his hand. 

Charlie with a skeptical look on his face said “Want a beer?” and extended his arm with a beer in his hand to try and, in a way, extend an olive branch. Frank gladly accepted.


End file.
